FUNNY JOKES

Funny Definitions

Father: The banker that nature provides.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes

Compromise: The art of slicing a cake in such a way that everyone believes they received the biggest piece

A pessimist : an optimist with a lot experience

Monday:
The day after 
Sunday-Funday

Immature:
A word used by boring people to describe fun people 

Women:
The most confusing creatures that God put on the face of earth.

Gynecologist:
A fool who finds problems where others seek pleasure!

Mother:one person who does the work for 20...for free.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills with pills then kills you with bills

  Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated
by feminine water-power.

 Reality:
The annoying time between when I wake up and internet access.

  Etc.: An abbreviation that makes others think you know more than you actually do

Patience:The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Marriage:It's a agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and women gains her masterd

 Life Insurance:
A contract that keeps you poor all our life so that you can die rich.

 TOMORROW :
 The best time to do everything you had planned for today.

TEENAGER: 
When you're too young for half the things you want to do and too old to do the other half.


 
NUTELLA:
  The Only Reason To Buy Bread

INTERNET:
The reason you are failing your classes

Valentine's Day: A day when you dream of a candle light dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof mascara:
Mascara that comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but not when you try to remove it.

ALCOHOL:
 A bitter fluid used to help white people dance

GROUP PROJECT: 
Time to relax while you watch someone wo cares do all the work.

Common sense:
A rare form of intelligence.Only 1 in 12,000 are born with it.

Feminism:
The radical notion that women are people.

Women:
The most confusing creatures that God put on the face of earth.

friend:
one of the many stranger on Facebook

Secret:
something you tell everybody to tell nobody.

GRANDPARENTS: 
 The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

GROCERY LIST:. 
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

KISSING:  
A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other.

 
PHILOSOPHER: 
 A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

PROFESSOR: 
 Someone who talks in someone else's sleep.

VEGETARIAN:
  Old Indian word for bad hunter.
 
ETERNITY: 
The last two minutes of a football game.

DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

DIVORCE:  Future tense of marriage.

FUNNY JOKES

Wife:What is 10 years with me?
Husband:A second Wife:what is $1000 with me?
Husband:A coin
Wife:Ok give me a coin Husband:wait a second

             ***********

If love is blind,why is lingerie so popular?

                *******

5 Wonders Of The World:
.
1) 2 Girls Sitting Quite..

 2) Wife Not Asking For Money

3) Girlfriend Paying Bill..
.
4) Girls Coming Without Make -Up
.
5) Boys Saying I Love Only 1 Girl

animals

 Every morning              
  I long to hold you          
  I need you,I want you  
  I have to have you.        
  Your warmth,your smell,
  your taste..Ohh Coffee,
   I LOVE YOU!                 

If you fall,I'll be there.
                           -Floor  

Me, behave? Seriously? 
   As a child I saw :
 - Tarzan almost naked 
- Cinderella arrived home after midnight
 - Pinocchio told lies
 - Aladdin was a thief
 - Batman drove over 200 miles an hour
 - Snow White lived in a house with 7 men
 - Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos
 - Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance
 - Shaggy and Scooby were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies.
            The fault is not mine! 

Police: knock knock
Me : Who is it?
Police: it's the police
Me : What do you want?
Police:We just wanna talk
Me: How many of you are there?
Police: 2
Me : Then talk to each other

I love asking kids what they want 
to be when they grow up because 
I'm still looking for ideas.

Universal LIES
1. I’m not drunk.
 
 2. I won’t hurt you.


3. Lets’ stay friends.

 4. She’s just a friend.


5. I lost your number.


6. I need time to myself.

 7. I’ll start a diet tomorrow.

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.

The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

 Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said:
 "You've got to do something about these drivers. 
The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY 

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks.
 Finally, he told the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him:
 "Sure thing, put up your own sign." 
 He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY