Funny Men Jokes

..Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" .
.God says: "So you would love her."
..But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb? .. 
God says: "So she would love you."
 
- Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
 Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

- Why do men like smart women?
 Opposites attract.

- What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?

Telling you his real name.

- Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
 Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

- How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

Rename the mail folder "Instruction
Manuals."
- What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
...Sex.
- Why did God create man before woman?
..
.Because he's always supposed to have a rough draft before creating his masterpiece.

- What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
. E.T. phones home.

- What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.

- How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

- Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends

- Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism
 
- Why do men like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.

- Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

- Why don't men have mid-life crises?

They stay stuck in adolescence.

- How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

- Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

- Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

- When does a man open the door of the car for his wife?
A.When he has a new car. B.When he has a new wife.

- How can a woman find out what life's like without a man around?
Get married.

- What does a man notice most when he's with his girlfriend?
.... Every other woman around.

- What's the only way to have your husband remember your anniversary?
.... Get married on his birthday.

- What is a "successful hunting trip"?
...When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days.

- What does a man call true love?
...An erection.

Why are marriend men heavier than single men?
Single men come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed . Married men come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.

- How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.

- What do you call a woman without an asshole?
Divorced.

A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity. That's why he dates someone half his age.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

. What's the most useful part of a man?
A wallet.

  All the good ones are either gay,married or fictional.

....................Men are like...

Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you

Men are like......Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like.....Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like.....Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like.....Cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like.....Coffee The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like.....Department Stores. Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually

Men are like.....Lawn Mowers. If you're not pushing one around, then you're
riding it.

Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

 
Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

 Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why Men Are Like Computers:

1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

2. A better model is always just around the corner.
 
3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

4. It is always necessary to have a backup.
 
5. They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
 
6. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

7 In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

8. The lights are on but nobody’s home.
 
9. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

10-Size does matter.

If I have to choose between men and shoes, I will always choose shoes.

They tend to last longer.

Men's Rules

- Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present again!

 
- Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

- Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

- Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
 
- Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
 
- We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!
- Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

- Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

- Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

- A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

- Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

- If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
- If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!

- If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

- Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

- You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

- Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

- Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we

. - The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

- ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. 
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
 We have no idea what mauve is. 

- If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

- We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

- If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

- If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

- Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

- BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

- Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping.

 

COURSE FOR MEN

1) TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
 Roundtable discussion

2) DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKETS AND FLOOR
 Practising with hamper (pictures and graphics)

3) DISHES & CUTLERY; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts

4)LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
 Online class and role playing

5) EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
 Group discussion and role play

6) LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
 Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming
7) LOSS OF VIRILITY
 Losing the remote control to your significant other
- Help line and support groups

8) HEALTH WATCH;
 BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint Presentation

9) REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
 Real life testimonial from the one man who did

10) IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving simulation

11)HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

12) HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

13) REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE Bring your calendar or PDA to class

14) GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available 

Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors!

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