FUNNY MARRIAGE JOKES

The Secrets of a Happy Marriage

. My wife and I have a secret t o making marriage last. 
Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, have some good food. a little wine and companionship. 
 She goes Tuesday and I go Friday. . 

 We sleep in separate beds, hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne. . 

 I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. .


 I asked her where she wanted to go for our anniversary, 'Somewhere I haven't been for a long time' she said. So I suggested our kitchen. .

 We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

 She has an electric blender, an electric toaster, an electric bread maker. When she said she had too many gadgets, but nowhere to sit down, I bought
her an electric chair. .

I married Miss right, I just did not know that her first name was Always. .

  I haven't spoken to her for eighteen months - I don't like to interrupt her. .

The last time we had a fight, it was my fault.She asked 'What's on the TV?' and I said 'Dust' 

 Always remember that marriage is the number one cause for divorce. Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage. .

Marriage:Requires commitment to an institution
 - see insanity
 

A bride at her second marriage does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.

                        

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.

Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

Funny marriage quotes

-Love is blind and marriage is an eye opener

- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met 



-When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her

- After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

- A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

- We’ve been married for 20 years and it feels like 20 minutes… under water.

- My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.
 
- Its funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.  
It's like asking someone, if Suicide is better or being Murdered. 

 Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Insurance is like marriage:you pay,pay.pay and you never get anything back.

- I love being married It s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

-7 words for a long and happy marriage.
Yes Dear
I'm sorry
It's my fault

- A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband

-60% of all marriages end in  sweatpants

- The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him.
 

  
- All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble

- If I ever marry, it will be on a sudden impulse – as a man shoots himself.

- Love requires a willingness to die; marriage, a willingness to live.

- When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife

-Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.

- After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

- An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have.
 The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

- I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.

- I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.

Definition of Honeymoon: a man’s last holiday before he starts working for a new boss.

Confucius says,‘Love one another.’ If it doesn’t work, just interchange the last two words.

Let’s emotionally damage each other and call it love.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Romantic love is a mental illness, but it is a pleasurable one.

There is a special place where a man can touch a woman that will make her go crazy. Her heart.

A failed Businessman to his fat wife:
You are my only investment in life that has doubled.

  Husband is the HEAD of the Family and        wife is the NECK that TURNS the head around!

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells,

"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.' "Yeah?"

she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
**********
Daughter: What is  marriage?
Mom: Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents
anymore...

***********
 Marriage Proposal

One day a girl proposed to a sardar and sardar denied simply saying that in our family.

WE MARRY ONLY OUR RELATIVES..
MY MOM MARRIED MY DAD,
MY BROTHER MARRIED MY SISTER-IN-LAW ,
MY UNCLE MARRIED MY AUNT AND SO ON.
SO PLEASE EXCUSE ME !!

ROMANCE ARITHMETIC
Smart man + Smart woman = romance
 Smart man + dumb woman = affair
 Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
                        

My sister wanted to marry a man clever enough to make a lot of money but dumb enough to spend it on her!

                     **********

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don't love me any more..." 

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now." 

                                  -----------

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant when suddenly; a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said: "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish". 

"Ooh... I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the woman. 

The fairy moved her magic wand and abracadabra! two tickets for a new round-the-world luxury liner appeared in her hands. 

Then it was the man's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife who is 30 years younger than me". 

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and abracadabra! the husband became 92 years old. 

What is the moral of this story? 

Men might be idiots sometimes, but fairies are always female. 

A man was complaining to a friend. 

"I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love of a beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone!" 

"What happened?" asked the friend. 
"My wife found out."

                   

                            ************

The boss was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them. They left the office for her place and made passionate love all afternoon. 

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, and woke up hours later, at about 8 pm. As the boss threw on his clothes, he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Though mystified by his unusual request, she complied nonetheless. Then, the boss quickly slipped into his shoes and raced home. 

"Where have you been!" demanded the boss's wife when he finally entered the house. 
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and I woke up just minutes ago. I raced home as quick as I could." 

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "Don't lie to me, you bastard! I know you've been out playing golf again!"