Funny Women jokes

- What's the difference between a Woman with PMS and a Pit Bull?
 A: Lipstick

 Every girl is a ninja...It shows when someone touches her phone or her boyfriend

 Female Viagra has been around for years...it's called money! 

 - Why do women close their eyes during sex?
 They can't stand to see a man having a good time.

- How much money do you need to satisfy a woman?
 It is always just a little bit more.

- What have women and condoms  got in common?    

  ..If they're not on your dick they're. in your wallet.   

- Why do women like to have sex with the lights off?

 They can't stand to see a man have a good time!

- What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

- What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
      A $100 bill.                      

- What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
  45 lbs.

- What is a vagina?
  The box a penis comes in.

 - Why did God make women?
 You think he's gonna wash the dishes?

 - How do you turn a fox into an elephant?  
  Marry It!                                                 


 
- Why shouldn't you lie to a woman with PMS & GPS?
 
Because she's a bitch & she will find you.

- Why do women close their eyes during sex?

  They can't stand to see a man having a good time.

- Why do women fake orgasms ?
 Because they think men care.

- Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?  
   She knows she's given her last blow job.   

 - How do you know when a woman is going to say something intelligent?
  When her first words are, "A man once told me....."

 - Why do women wear white on their wedding day?
  So they will match the stove and fridge

- What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
  A whore fucks everybody at the party, and a bitch fucks everybody at the party EXCEPT YOU.
 
 - Whats the difference between PMS and Mad Cow Disease?
   One attacks the cow's brain and sends it fucking mental,
   the other is an agricultural problem.
 
- How do you know that beer contains female hormones?
  Drink two or three, and you cannot drive properly anymore
and start talking bullshit.

- Why can't you trust a woman?
  How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die?

 - Why do women love orgasms?
 Because it gives them another reason to moan!

 - How are women like parking spaces?                              
  The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

 - Why do women have tits?
  So men will talk to them.

 Monkeys and girls both are same. they fight only for Banana,
Boys and rats are same they search only holes.

 

 

- Why is life like a penis?
  Women make it hard!

 Confucius say,"Man who date Dynamite women get Big Bang out of her"!

 Women find men more attractive when they notice other women looking at him.

 If men can't focus on two things at once, then why do women have boobs? 

If all men are the same, then why does it take a women so long to choose.

 
 The first ten years of a girls life is spent playing with barbies.
 The next ten years is spent trying to look like one.

 Girls want attention.
 Women want respect.

- Why are married women heavier than single women?
   Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
 Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

 Kissing a girl on the cheek(good)
 kissing girl in the mouth (awesome)
Kissing girl in front of her ex (boss)

A jealous girlfriend is a faithful girlfriend. If she doesnt get jealous when someone has your attention,
 it's because someone has hers. 



Skinny = anorexic , thick = obese ,
virgin = too good ,non-virgin = slut ,
friendly = fake , quiet = rude.
Society can never be pleased!

 - A woman has only 2 problems:
  1. Nothing to wear. 
2. No room for all the clothes
 Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious

 - When a women says “What?”, it’s not because she didn’t hear you.
  She’s giving you a chance to change what you said

 - A man may be right or wrong…but a woman is always right

 - God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question




 Women are like telephones; They like to be held and talked to,
but if you push the wrong buttons you might get disconnected!

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

Women are like a computer virus... they enter your life, scan your pockets, edit your mind, download their problems, delete your smile....

Women are like ovens. We need 5 to 15 minutes to heat up.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at them,
 but I wouldn't want to own one.  

   Miracles of women are:

Giving milk without eating grass

 Bleeding without getting hurt

 Getting wet without taking a shower

 Making boneless flesh hard

Breaking the balls without touching

 - Wine is like women. It tempts you; it comforts you; it confuses you and can even turn on you
when you least expect it. It can be your friend one day and your enemy the next

 - Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men think than men actually spend thinking

 - Ideal woman looks like an angel,is a devil in bed and after sex becomes the best friend,who brings a beer  

- Every woman is a rebel, and usually in violent revolt against herself.

 Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? 
It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

A jealous woman does better research than the FBI

 - Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world 
 but they still want a confession.

 - There is no doubt that all women are crazy. It’s just a matter of degree

 - Only two things can change a woman's mind:  
1. I love you.   2. 50 percent discount.

 
- A woman needs four animals in her life:
 a mink in the closet,
 a Jaguar in the driveway,
 a tiger in bed,
 and a jackass to pay for it all.

"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
 
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her a groceries, she'll give you a meal.
 
   If you give her love, she'll give you her heart. 
 
  She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
 
So if you give her any crap - you will receive a ton of shit."

Woman's language

She's says         It means
----------               --------

You want................................. You want
  We need ................................I want
 It's your decision            The correct decision should be obvious by now  

Do what you want               You'll pay for this later  

We need to talk                I need to complain

 Sure, go ahead                    I don't want you to.  

I'm not upset Of course       I'm upset, you moron.  

You're so manly                 You need a shave and you sweat a lot  

You're certainly attentive               Is sex all you ever think about?

 I'm not emotional!                   And I'm on my period! I'm not overreacting!  

This kitchen is so incovenient      I want a new house, I want new curtains and new furniture  

I heard a noise                             I noticed you were asleep

 Do you love me?                  I'm going to ask for something expensive

 How much do you love me?              I did something today that you're really not                                                     going to like

You have to learn to comunicate               Just agree with me. 

 Are you listening to me?                 [To late, you're dead!]

  Yes = No                             No  = No                  Maybe =  No

 I'm sorry                    You'll be sorry

 In response to the question,          "What's wrong"

 The same old thing.                  Nothing  

Nothing.                       Everything  

Everything. It's my PMS I'm not yelling         Yes, I'm yelling because I think this    is important  ----------------------------this is important

Nothing, really.                                   You're such an a$$hole!

How to make a woman happy

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

a friend     - a companion       - a lover a brother

a father     -a master     -a chef    -a sexologist

a gynecologist     - a psychologist    - a healer   -a good listener

. an organizer   -   a good father   -  very clean  - compassionate

sympathetic    -  athletic    -  warm  & -attentive

gallant -intelligent - funny -creative

tender    -strong    -understandin    -tolerant

prudent    -ambitious   -capable    -courageous

determined    -true    -dependable    -passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

- give her compliments regularly love shopping

- be honest

- be very rich

- not stress her out

- not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

- give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

- give her lots of time, especially time for herself

- give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

And never forget:

- birthdays  -anniversaries   -arrangements she makes.

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring food and beer.

....Things You Shouldn't Say to a Woman

- I am surprised you eat as much as me  

- Should we split 50-50 or just pay for what we ordered individually  

- Sweety, Can you pay the bill, please? My card isn't working!

  - Did you gain weight?

  - Are you SURE?

  - I am busy eating, let's talk later  

- Your friend is cute - My ex used to..

  - You always do that

 - Maybe you should try to exercise?  

- You’re probably just stressed

Women are like apples on trees, the best ones are on the top of the tree. 
The men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and don't want to get hurt.

 Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't so good but easy. 

So, the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they are amazing.

They just have to wait for the right man to come along,
 the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top because they value quality.

What kind internet woman are you?

INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access. 

SERVER Woman: Always busy when you need her. 

 WINDOWS Woman: we all know she doesn’t work properly, but we can’t live without her. 

 POWERPOINT Woman: only Bill Gates has enough patience to use her for more than half an hour.

EXCEL Woman: she’s suppose to do a lot of things, but she’s only used for the four basic operations.  

WORD Woman: always has a surprise in store for you, but nobody in the whole world understand her fully. 

DOS Woman: we’ve all use her at least once but nobody wants her any more.  

BACKUP Woman: you’ve always thought that she has everything you need, but at the moment of truth there’s always something missing. 

VIRUS Woman: also known as wife, she arrives when you least expect it, uninstall herself and hogs all the resources. If you try to uninstall her you’ll lose something, but if you don’t you lose everything!

  SCANDISK Woman: you know she’s kind and only wants to help, but deep down nobody really knows what she’s really doing

 . SCREENSAVER Woman: she may be useless, but sure she is fun! RAM Woman: forgets everything she’s done as soon as she’s switched off. 

HARD DISK Woman: NEVER, EVER forgets anything

  MOUSE Woman: only works when mistreated and battered. 

MULTIMEDIA Woman: makes the world seem a beautiful place.

  MICROSOFT Woman: wants to determine every man she meets and tries to convince him she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him. Does everything to elbow out other women and promises you the world for a glance of your personal organizer full of contacts. Before you know she’ll become the only woman in your life, and the day will come when you’ll need her permission to open the fridge or pick up your car keys.

  PASSWORD Woman: you think you are the only one who knows her, but half the world does

. MP3 Woman: we all want to download her. 

USER Woman: messes up everything she does and always asks for more than she needs.

  CPU Woman: from the outside she seems to have everything, but inside she is empty. 

 MONITOR Woman: makes you see the world in pretty colors. 

 CD RECORDER Woman: just keep on getting faster.

  DATAWAREHOUSING Woman: keeps you up to date with everything except what really interest you.