Funny School jokes

 SCHOOL LIFE:

Most irritating moment
- Morning alarm

Most difficult task
- To find SOCKS

Most Dreadful Journey
- way to class

 Most lovely time
- meeting friends

 Most tragic moment
- Surprise test in 1st period

Most wonderful news.
- TEACHER IS ABSENT.

ANSWERS OF A BRILLIANT STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?

* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?

* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

 Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* it will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Concrete floors are very hard to crack.

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Teacher: What time do you get up in the morning? 

Student :About an hour and a half after I arrived at school.

Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class.
Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.

coppia

In your bed, it's 6AM, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 7:45.
 At school, it's 1:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 1:30.
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3 things I've learned in school:
Texting without looking,
sleeping without getting caught,
teamwork on tests.”.
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Friendship… is not something you learn in school.

But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really

haven't learned nothing 

The teacher says: I wish you’d pay a little attention, Maria.

I am paying as little as I can Mrs. Smith, said Maria.

Teacher: Alex please point to America on the map.

Alex: This is it.

Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?

Class: Alex did.

Daughter’s Letter Home

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has been three months since I left for college. 

I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. 

I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. 

You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down, okay.

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. 

The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed by now.

 I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and

only get those headaches once a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Dept. and the ambulance. 

He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. 

It’s really a basement room, but it’s kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married.

 We haven’t set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, mother and dad, I am pregnant. 

I know how very much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. 

The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. 

This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. 

Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know that your oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. 

His family background is good too, for I am told his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you there was no dormitory fire; I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture; I was not in the hospital; I am not pregnant; I am not engaged. 

I do not have syphillis, and there is no Negro in my life. However, I am getting a D in sociology and an F in science; and I wanted you to see these marks in proper perspective.

Your loving daughter.

What is the longest word in the English language?

Smiles :Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!

Bill Gates – 11 Rules you will never learn in school

Rule No. 1: 
  Life is not fair. Get used to it. 

The average teen-ager uses the phrase "It's not fair" 8.6 times a day.
You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever.

Rule No. 2:  
 The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as much as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock.
 Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair.

Rule No. 3:   
Sorry, you won't make $40,000 a year right out of high school.
And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either.
You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

Rule No. 4:   If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss.
 He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier.
 When you screw up, he's not going to ask you how you feel about it.

Rule No. 5:   Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping.
They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either.
They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.
Rule No. 6:   It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are responsible.
This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation
. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it, or you'll sound like a baby boomer.

Rule No. 7:   Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now.
They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are.
And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule No. 8:  

 Your school may have done away with winners and losers. Life hasn't.
 In some schools, they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer.
Failing grades have been abolished and class valedictorians scrapped, lest anyone's feelings be hurt.
Effort is as important as results.
This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.

Rule No. 9:
   Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off.
Not even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours.

the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your bedroom.And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.

 While we're at it, very few jobs are interested in fostering your self-expression or helping you find yourself.
 Fewer still lead to self-realization. (See Rule No. 1 and Rule No. 2.)

 Rule No. 10:

Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom.
Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials.
In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs.
Your friends will not be as perky or pliable as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule No. 11: 
  Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Rule No. 12: 
  Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look moronic.
 Next time you're out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth.
 That's what you look like to anyone over 20.
 Ditto for "expressing yourself" with purple hair and/or pierced body parts.

Rule No. 13:  
 You are not immortal. If you are under the impression that living fast, dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven't seen one of your peers at room temperature lately.

Rule No. 14:   
Enjoy this while you can. Sure parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing.
But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. 

Maybe you should start now. You're welcome.

Gandhi and the Professor

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him.

 Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected…. there were always “arguments” and confrontations.

One day, Mr Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor.

The professor said, “Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat.”

Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, “You do not worry professor. I’ll fly away,” and he went and sat at another table.

Mr Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions.

Mr Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. “Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?”

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, “The one with the money, of course.”

Mr Peters, smiling sarcastically said, “I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don’t you think?”

Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, “Each one takes what he doesn’t have.”

Mr Peters, by this time, was fit to be tied. 

So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi’s exam sheet the word “idiot” and gave it to Gandhi. 

Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.

A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, “Mr Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade.”

THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. We are here to help you.
2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings.
3. The dress code will be enforced.
4. No smoking is allowed on school grounds.
5. Our football team will win the championship this year.
6. We expect more of you here.
7. Guidance counselors are always available to listen.
8. Your schedule was created with you in mind.
9. Your locker combination is private.
10. These will be the years you look back on fondly.